the bittersweet chocolate starfish

it’s coming to d end of d hols. This is my last week of bumming around and wasting away. well, in my case, it’s more of the former than the latter activity. i’m not wasting myself away as much as i’d like to do during this break from assignment deadlines and daily lectures. Bumming around for me means waking up to no plans for the day, hoping fervently that one could visualize by noontime..and  in the meantime just killing time away in front of the t.v. or a book or the bed till night falls and i’m saved by whoever i’m meeting for the night. Wasting away, as i’d like it to be, would be carefree partying, drinking and not having a minute to spare for feeling consciously and hopelessly bored, lazy and depressed. A few shots of tequila. A couple of bottoms up.  Lively, popping-good music. Crazy laughter, vain smiles and happy poses for the camera. Friends bonded by the wondrous pleasure effects of alcohol with hugs and kisses.  That’s the way life should look like in a polaroid picture. My non-existent polaroid pictures. They are always in my head, though. Making up my fantasy of a life defined by polaroid moments of happiness and madness. Misery not included, though.

Five weeks of doing a mindless holiday job deprived me of the luxury of rest and relaxation, though it sure helped me while away my abundant time in a productive and profitable way. There are loads of stuff i’d like to buy with my hard-earned pay. But is anything ever enough at this age? So much on the list, so little in the bank.So much on my mind, so little space for expression. So much time I had, so little i’ve learnt about life in four months.

Yet I’ve come to know what relationships are made of, what makes them and what breaks them. How much can a person expect from the other in a relationship? Not his or her complete devotion or total obedience, that’s for sure. noone in a relationship should be domineering and selfish at the expense of the other person’s honest disposition and values. Yet, sometimes, you can’t help wonder if the other person would really do things for you if he/she really loves you..you know, like how Ben Stiller ate dirty nuts on the ground in Along Came Polly just to prove to Jennifer Aniston that he was able to do that - overcome his hygiene phobia- simply because he loved her. Okay, that’s probably a corny example. But nothing esle comes to my mind at this point..The point is, some guys are willing to do things. Big things or small things. They do something. They make things happen for the girl so that she knows how much she means to him. And there’s the other thing about attachment and detachment. If you’ve been deprived of something which you’ve needed for so long, and then when you get to experience it, you tend to go to the extremes of emotion every time you feel that something  slipping away. You fear separation when you pull away from that source of salvation, yet you fear suffocation when you get too close to it. You have been unhappy for too long, but when you get a chance to explore the possibilities of happiness..you freak out at the alienating sight of its high price. It’s your mind that’s gonna pay for it. Not your heart. It’s the mind that’s priceless and precious. The heart is too careless and emotionally untamed to be of any absolute true worth. It gets too ironic. Too overwhelmingly ironic.

Some days this confusion just wears you out. Other days it gets you fired up. You think, if only you could give and love and live with just that, you could actually enjoy it without hoping for anything in return. No way. Bullshit. That will never work. Selfless love has been overrated in the happy-ever-after romantic love movies. Selfish love, on the other hand, is underrated in the now-and-what’s-next reality of relationships in the real world. What did i expect anyway? I’m in the real world where my heart is but one fragile commodity that is lost in the marketplace of feelings..

1. i think i’m suffering from ADD (Attention Deficient Disorder). That’s cos i can’t stop feeling restless and pointless doing the things i do at home, yet i feel tired and worn out being outside d whole day.. *sigh. Just can’t get my butt still..aarghhh

2. i’ve been reading through my old high school diary.. can’t believe d cheesy stuff i wrote! Eeeks.. what was i thinking at age 16..lolz..d pains and pleasures of growing up being articulated in overly-angsty and plain adolescent language. Oh there were some pretty good memories..that’s for sure..sighz..Nostalgia can be real nice. Or nasty. It depends what kinda memory it evokes..

3. I know this sounds real stupid and morbid. But anyone ever thought of this: To die young in a memorable fashion is better than to die old and unloved? Okay, no worries. I’m not suicidal at any given moment now. Just a thought. Really.

4. Relationships are like another alternative reality that you enter into, which either helps define or distort your very own reality. Overwhelming, that’s for sure.

5. Check out Fall Out Boy - Dance, Dance (high power punk rock hit that’s just sooo cool) & Fort Minor - High Road (rap rock no. that reli doesnt sound like Mike but cuts it just as good)..Cool stuff.

6. I’m in such poor health lately..*sigh. Imagine what taking 8 to 10 pills a day can do to you. Erm..besides reduce your intelligence by 10 percent perhaps..? I dunno..i sure hope that’s not d case..

1. i am bored.

2. i am super duper bored.

3. i am wondering why my chocolate almond cookies don’t taste right. I think i added too much sugar. Ok, I don’t want my friends to have diabetes and die early! Must remember to put less sugar liaoz.

4. i just discovered my first ever dream car (What are cars anyway? See, i never gave a damn. I know nuts about whatever suspension or horsepower shit that guys like to yak about) But d other day, it happened. I spotted a Peugeot 206 cc. It’s such a babes! A silver not-too-mini sleek convertible with a very sports chick factor! Very cool. Totally. (gosh..hehee..fancy me actually naming a car. Ok fine, i had to ask my friend about it. As if i know anything..)

4. I am listening to d other songs on Fort Minor’s album. Good stuff. Very LP-soundish but with an extra hip-hoppy edge, i think. Less whiny rap and minus Chester yelling his head off. Seemingly personal with lyrics resounding of Mike’s life story and experiences. Check out ‘Red to Black’ and ‘Kenji’.

5. I am in doubt of whether to go into relationships again. It’s been a long time. It’s like being a newbie in a sport like tennis or squash which you’ve lost interest in for a long time. It’s like rediscovering the taste of beer, the ecstacy of drunkenness and the suckiness of hangovers all over again after quitting alcohol for 2 years. It’s like taking on the road again after having your driving license suspended and spending some time in jail for drunk driving. It’s like daring yourself to have a rollercoaster ride again after a maddening experience of throwing up the very last time you attempted something like that… 

*Luv tis song v much!*

Working so hard every night and day
And now we get the pay back
Trying so hard saving up the paper
Now we get to lay back

Champagne kisses hold me in your lap of luxury
I only want to fly first class desires, you’re my limousine
So elegant the way we ride, our passion it just multiplies
There’s platinum lightning in the sky
Look I’m livin’ like a queen

This kind of love is getting expensive
We know how to live baby
We’re luxurious like Egyptian cotton
We’re so rich in love we’re rollin’ in cashmere
Got it in fifth gear baby
Diamond in the rough is lookin so sparkly

Working so hard every night and day
And now we get the pay back
Trying so hard saving up the paper
Now we get to lay back

Sugar, honey, sexy baby
When we touch it turns to gold
Sensitive and delicate kinda like a tuberose
You know you are my treasure chest
It’s pure perfection when we kiss and
You’re my Mr.. I’m your Miss
Gonna be until we’re old

This kind of love is getting expensive
We know how to live baby
We’re luxurious like Egyptian cotton

Working so hard every night and day
And now we get the pay back
Trying so hard saving up the paper
Now we get to lay back

Cha-ching cha-ching we’re loaded and we’re not gonna blow it
cha-ching cha-ching we’re hooked up with the love cause we grow it
cha-ching cha-ching we got hydroponic love and we’re smokin’
cha-ching cha-ching we burn it you and I, we are so lit

We’re so rich in love were rollin’ in cashmere
Got it in fifth gear baby
Diamond in the rough is lookin’ so sparkly

Working so hard every night and day
And now we get the pay back
Trying so hard saving up the paper
Now we get to lay back

- Gwen Stefani

a few decoded lines from my brainwaves… :

1. yayy there’s nothing better than being a lazy bum during d holz…zzZzz..
2. hey i’m not totally unproductive ok. for e.g. i did my laundry today, read a
little, fed my hammies..etc
3. i feel this obsessive yet absolutely unnecessary need to SHOP. God help me.
4. i also feel this absolutely necessary need to PARTY. It’s ok, God. I can
deal with this. *grin
5. Having just recently returned from a trip to Penang, i am proud to announce
that i’ve tried the best char kuay teow that serves prawns as big as 50 cent
coins and ’see-ham’ as big as 20 cent ones. For real man. Really wan…no
kidding wan…lolz..those who didn’t believe me and teased me so badly for it,
you know who you are! i’ve got pics for evidence, hmmmph!
6. Okay, but i have to admit i’m damn sick of chinese hawker food already.
After 5 meals for 3 days and 2 nights. Gonna diet on all that for 3 months now.
Seriously.
7. i must and i need to intensify my kickboxing workout during d hols. Or
else.. i wont be able to star in d next upcoming Charlie’s Angels’
trilogy..hahaha…puhh-lease…ok, someone pls boooO me
8. Seriously, i just need to kick some ass. Anyone?
9. Okay, i’m bored and have nothing better to do here.
10. Btw, i’m totally in love with Gwen’s new hit - Luxurious. Can i say that
it’s simply sexy n seductive? oohh yess..
11. I’m glad it’s end of d year and so many ppl are coming back from Oz! yayy
it’s time for reunions with old pals..
12. I’m even gladder (if there’s such a word) that i’ve made some absolutely
fun and whacky and cool galpals tis semester.. luvin’ all my girlfrens..muax
muax muax..hugs hugs hugs…( ok, it’s kinda like a lesbo ritual for us to end
each sentence that way..you see wakakaka)
13. Hang on..these are not bullet points. These are long laser-beam points.
sheeez..ok, my brainwaves are losing transmission now..

a few things that’s on my mind right now.. :

1. Shit happens. Like nobody’s business. Like it only happens to you. (You know that’s crap)
2. Some shits are just waiting to happen. And when it happens… boo! You are caught dead.
3. I need a drink. For this shit or for others. Whatever goes.
4. Talk about having bad luck…
5. It’s not a big deal cos i’m not crying. I guess I’m stronger than i think. Wow.
6. Something worse could have happened. So i should be thankful that it didn’t.
7. It’s my fault, really. I was careless as usual.
8. I swear i will be extra careful. Next time around. Always.
9. I need a hug.
10. I’ll be okay. I’ll get it over it in no time. Hopefully.
11. Are you meant to lose certain things in life? *sigh
12. For goodness sake, it’s just a handphone!

(Sheeesh…Yeah..that’s what tis is all about.)

.
   
    How I wish I could surrender my soul;
    Shed the clothes that become my skin;
    See the liar that burns within my needing.
    How I wish I’d chosen darkness from cold.
    How I wish I had screamed out loud,
    Instead I’ve found no meaning.
   
    I guess it’s time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
    All pleasure’s the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
    Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
    I’ve heard what they say, but I’m not here for trouble.
    It’s more than just words: it’s just tears and rain.
   
    How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
    Hold memory close at hand,
    Help me understand the years.
    How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
    How I wish I would save my soul.
    I’m so cold from fear

‘Tears & Rain’ - James Blunt

You know you’ve got to get through this, you see.. before you can ever be the same again. tears and rain. fear and pain. sometimes the selfishness that possesses you hurts others.. but you know you’ll hurt them more if you allow that to show through and get to them..especially when you know you’ve gotta face life’s crap alone by the end of the day. you hurt knowing that you’ve hurt.. but it’s better this way.. or is it. you don’t know.. you just know it’s about fixing yourself first before expecting others to fix you, ain’t it.. cos probably that’s where real strength lies. i don’t know. but i still know what’s the meaning of redemption and maybe you can still find it in a good song, good lyrics and good friends. a good day gets you through, a bad day gets you by. you miss..you yearn.. you regret..you hope.. you hurt..but sometimes you simply just run away for a while.. hide away for some time. some things are just too much to bear. some things are just too little to live by. you drown before you have the courage to resurface, breathe and break down all over again. You hope for someone to be there but you know it’s only in dreams that anything close to that comes by.. that kinda exasperation eats you up and burns you out. yeah it’s always d case tat you can’t ever get wad u wan cos tat’s how life is.. maybe tat’s where the value of happiness lies cos you’d never appreciate it if you had it all along. but who’d know better.. who’d know better than yourself that nothing positive like that ever means a thing when each moment of despair and disappointment just about sums up your entire lifetime.. who’d really understand the capacity you hold for containing defining moments like that without really showing it through and through? whatever that means.. but people who’ve been through a lot with you would understand without the need for much words.. that’s a comfort and even worth of being your salvation at times. Like eating chocolate, you  hold on to that melting moment of sweetness before it dissolves into something altogether unpleasant.. like bitterness at the back of your tongue. You think to yourself.. you’d give anything to fast forward this phase in life til you get to that day.. any day.. someday.. a great day? lol. a special fren, an angel, has always taught me to have faith when it’s all bad.. well.. guess if that’s anything to go by, if that’s all i’ve got to get it going.. i’l take it. i’l take it with love and hope and a conviction that life does offer everyone a share of happy endings..

I’ve got another confession to make
I’m your fool
Everyone’s got their chains to break
Holdin’ you  
Were you born to resist or be abused?
      
Is someone getting the best of you?

Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose

My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

Has someone taken your faith?

Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must confess
                     
Is someone getting the best of you?

‘Best of You’ - Foo Fighters

Maybe I’ve been the problem
Maybe I’m the one to blame
But even when I turn it off and blame myself
The outcome feels the same

I’ve been thinkin’ maybe I’ve been partly cloudy
Maybe I’m the chance of rain
And maybe I’m overcast and maybe
All my luck’s washed down the drain 

I’ve been thinkin’ ’bout everyone, everyone you look so lonely
But when I look at the stars,
When I look at the stars,
When I look at the stars
I see someone else
When I look at the stars, the stars
I feel like myself

Stars looking at our planet,
Watching entropy and pain
And maybe startin’ to wonder

How the chaos in our lives could pass as sane

I’ve been thinkin’ ’bout the meaning of resistance

Of a world beyond our own
And suddenly the infinite and penitent
Began to look like home

I’ve been thinkin’ ’bout everyone, everyone you look so empty
But when I look at the stars,

When I look at the stars,

When I look at the stars

I see someone else
When I look at the stars, the stars 

I feel like myself

Everyone, everyone you feel so lonely
Everyone, ya everyone you feel so empty
When I look at the stars,
When I look at the stars,
When I look at the stars
I feel like myself
When I look at the stars, the stars
I see someone

‘Stars’ - Switchfoot

How can it hurt, When I feel no pain?

How can it heal, if I look the same?

I’ve been searching all my mornings, for the last breath of a dream

Are you drowning or just waving, cause I’m tearing at the seams

I wanna live, and I wanna breathe

Always thought you’d be the one to set me free

But I can forgive, cause you bring me to believe in something more

Now I only want to live if I can find

Find somebody to die for

Find somebody to die for

How can you lose, if its not a game?

How can you love, if you’re never gonna change?

‘To Die For’ - RoosTer