the bittersweet chocolate starfish

Recently i’ve been seized by an overwhelming sense of fatigue. Physically, mentally and emotionally. In other words, it’s fatigue of the body and mind. It’s the fatigue of living. Living in the present, to be precise. I wouldn’t say i’m tired of Life. It would sound too vague. Even silly. It would probably make  people younger than me ask," How can you be tired already when you haven’t reached 30? Chill. There’s still time. The journey hasn’t even begun."  People older than me would probably comment, "You are only 22! And you are already tired? You’re barely halfway through, not to mention coming to the end. Your journey has only begun…" Sigh. Whatever. It depends on how you see it, i suppose. As far as I have come in this business of living, I’m the type of person who refuses to let go of the past when I should, and who daydreams about what the future holds for me when I shouldn’t. So, if Life is simply made up of 3 major components - Past, Present and Future, you can say that I’ve not given up on it yet. Cos i’m only tired of The Present. And when you think of it, it’s probably the only component of Life that matters at any given time. They say ‘Live for the Moment’. Yeah. But we human beings often live with a hopeless handicap of shortsightedness that renders us incapable of living for the moment. Yeah i’m one of those people. We either mourn for yesterday’s roses that once filled your garden, or we yearn for a magical rose garden over the horizon. We hardly look down to admire the blooming roses that lie below our windows. Mhmm. BUT what if the roses before you look weak, worn and withered? You start to weep. Seems like all your time and effort has been wasted. Seems like what you are trying to admire before you is nothing but disappointment. That’s when you resort to dwell on the past or idealize about the future. The present doesn’t count anymore. It gets scary. It feels unreal. Suddenly, you just feel really, really tired. Tired in all aspects. Tired of trying to feel what’s real and keep it real. It feels like i’ve been dragged through a battlefield of blood and bodies. It’s a miracle I came out of it alive. But the damage is done. The trauma sets in. My senses start to function in a dysfunctional way. Whatever i can see, hear or touch simply feels numb. Numb with pain,  exhaustion and confusion. Something like a living zombie. A being that just walks and breathes, but isn’t capable of thinking or feeling. Occasionally, this being has its moments of humanity. It thinks and feels too much instead. That’s when it stops walking and breathing. So it’s either way. OKAY. I know this might sound unusually morbid. I shall quit using dark and pessimistic analogies. Those aside, i’m actually really quite human. Too much of a human, i suppose. But like every other emotional human being who is capable of laughing one moment and crying the other, for reasons known or unknown, for the pain of yesterdays and the fear of tomorrows, i am only reacting to recent events that were disturbing and depressing. There’s so much that has happened, there’s too much that shouldn’t have. Sigh. It’s always about circumstances. If they are favourable, you go about everyday life on a constant high. If they are unfavourable, you find yourself struggling daily on a consistent low gear. Yeah. I’m going through this really rough patch right now. Sometimes, it feels like the forces are all against you. Other times, it feels like you are against the whole world and its wishes. Most of the time, you just feel lost and lonely. Lethargic. It’s lethargy that not even sleeping 12 hours a day can cure, or the strongest sleeping pills can fight…