the bittersweet chocolate starfish

There are days when you wake up each morning with an overwhelming sense of loss. Your head hurts. Your heart skips a few beats. You get a weird empty feeling. What is it that you have lost? You try to recall. Is it your wallet? Your shoes? Hmm..not likely. How that could have happened? You were home the whole night, not out partying at a club or anywhere. The dream! It strikes you. You had a bad dream the night before. Actually, it was more like a corny, sad dream. Could you have lost that something in there? You saw yourself standing alone at the edge of this huge swimming pool, gazing at your own reflection. It looked despondent. Tired. Bored. Like a swimmer who has got sick and tired of water because the water is starting to drown him. Right. How can water drown a person who can swims? You are bound to ask. But the answer is inside your head. Because it is something like that in there. Your mind has gotten sick and tired of being  in your head. It’s saying, "That’s it. I’m done with you. Everyday i take in endless reflections on your past and your present, countless regrets on every decision you make, every behavior you displayed, and I hold your bottomless indulgence in misery and anguish! What am i? A superhuman’s mind? I’m gonna just burn out one day! Let me remind you. I am only your mind. Not you. You have a life. I don’t. My ‘life’ is in yours. Get it?" So what happens now? You ask your mind. "Well, you could start with giving me a break." Right. How am i supposed to do that?  "Let me go for a swim?" Okay, okay, go for your swim and leave me alone. "You gotta jump in first." WHAT? Sigh. Alright alright, i’ll jump in. A swim wouldn’t hurt anyway. Splash! ….. I woke up. And my mind wasn’t there. I think it drowned. Yeah, i figured that’s what i had lost in the dream.

Moral of the story? heh heh. I don’t know. Mhmm. How about - "Everytime you feel like losing your mind, you can’t. Unless it wants to lose you"?

I woke up dreaming..
As if sleep went..
And left its soul behind.

I woke up thinking..
If reality is a window..
I’d jump right out of it.

I woke up feeling..
Somewhere in the middle..
Like a tragic comedy.

I woke up realizing..
That Love is all but a lie..
A deception we live by.

If you can hear me..And know that im right here..I heard your heartbeat..It took away the fear..
Cuz my life is sliding..I tried to ride the wave..It came down crashing.. it’s time to start again..
Backwards to go forward..Left at every corner..Been there and back again..And when the music ends..

Your life is a flashback
A question, a photograph
A statement, a story, a struggle
A chance to laugh

Cuz if you don’t laugh you cry..A last crescendo when you die..So hit the rewind and listen..
It’s the playback..The soundtrack to your life.

-ashley angel parker-                                                                                                                                                                                    

I think I need to go for a brain check-up. To see if anyone has been messing up with the mental mechanisms inside. I hope all the neurons and hormones are in place. But I have a feeling that the serotonin (happy hormone) levels  are pretty much at a low point. Or maybe there’s too much of unhappy hormones, whatever you call them.  It’s affecting other areas - Whatever the brains thinks, the face shows and the heart feels. My brains have been really mean lately. I try not to think. I try not to analyze. All the same, i’ve been waking up in the morning with my facial muscles and jaw set in a tight and droopy fashion which could otherwise be translated as ’sulking’. Smiling is an effort. And my eyes seem to take on a blank jaded stare. But no, i’m not tripping on weed or flowers or grass. I’m pretty much sure that i’m still sane. Silly, maybe. But i just can’t figure myself out anymore..i can’t run on D.I.Y mode anymore.. I need some professional or supernatural intervention. Maybe even an little imaginery friend with a bag of surprises and solutions to share. Hmm..Doraemon would be a good one. Maybe he’ll be able to offer me Relationship Prozac, among other things that i badly need.