letting me fall
‘I kept imagining the end, the despair I would suffer when it came, and it made any happiness I had in the present seem not merely ephemeral, but doomed. Because the happier I allowed myself to be now, the more miserable I would be later.’ - Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation.
What comfort and assurance can you offer me when you deny and defy my pain? Does it mean anything to you when you are the only one i turn to in times of my misery? You might even be the cause of my misery sometimes. But i’m willing to share it and show it in the comfort of your presence. I’m willing to take it all out and give it up in the hope you will make it okay. At the end of the day, it’s alright if you don’t understand it, if you aren’t willing to accept it. But there is one thing you cannot do. You cannot condemn it. You cannot say, "It’s bullshit. It’s stupid." To my utmost disappointment, you might even ignore it and let me go through it alone. But you simply cannot condemn it. Because it is a part of me, even if i don’t want it to be. I’d destroy it if i could. I’d tear it out from my soul as if it were nothing but useless paper. My pain might be wrong to you, but it is a right to me. It is my right. My right to own it. Not because I want to, but because circumstances made me a bearer of its existence, to an extent that there is a need for me to own it. So if you turn it away with your selfish conviction that i’m just being silly, you are turning me away from you. And it hurts me greatly. It hurts to realize that you are right here with me now in this space and time, yet knowing that you will probably not be there to catch me when i fall…
February 23rd, 2006 at 4:58 pm
oOOooOoooo…*hugs n muacks* wuteva dearie!! u will alwiz haf me even men r being pigs as usual…